South Africa: Day 30, Strand

Thursday, February 4

Brian and I woke up excited to see Roger and Merry Ann ("MAM") today. Even amidst our excitement, we all seemed to be in a funk. I asked Brian to pray for us and Tisetso insisted I should pray. This is a portion of the prayer:

Me: ...and I pray for Tisetso,
Tisetso: to find my Batman mask.
Me (trying not to die of laughter): ...to find his mask.
Not quite what I was going to pray for, but there it was.

Tisetso seemed a little nervous. He kept saying that they could come tomorrow ("tomorrow" is his code for he doesn’t want to do whatever it is, and seems to be an indefinite amount of time). He wanted Mr. Owl to come, but Grandma and Grandpa Malcolm should come tomorrow. Now the story with Mr. Owl is an interesting one.

Mr. Owl, aka Hedwig from Harry Potter, was bought for Tisetso by our friends, Ben and Sarah, during their recent excursion to Harry Potter World. Hedwig was the perfect addition to Tisetso’s Harry Potter themed room. Before we left America, Brian and I took a video of our home. Part of that tour included Tisetso’s room, which included Hedwig. From the beginning, Tisetso named her Mr. Owl and kept asking for her for some time. Knowing Roger and MAM were coming, we had our friend, Kyle, mail Hedwig to them and had them bring the owl in their carry on. Tisetso had stopped asking about Hedwig and hadn’t mentioned anything about her for a while. The day before Roger and MAM came, he told me they must bring her and it was her birthday tomorrow (today). I told him it was too late for them to add anything to their luggage as they had already left.

Before Brian picked them up from the airport, Tisetso and I finished school (he earned another Lego person!) and cleaned up his toys. When Brian had left, Tisetso showed some signs of being stressed out. I reassured him that Grandma and Grandpa Malcolm were very nice. To reduce the amount of time he had to freak out, I put a show on. Thankfully, this helped take his mind off things. 

We were playing Legos when they arrived. Brian had intentionally gone to pick his parents up without us to talk to them about Tisetso and prepare them for a week in South Africa. It went really well. Their entrance was super low-key and they didn’t try to hug or smother him or overwhelm him with questions. They said hello and smiled and admired his Legos (which he was showing off nervously). After a few minutes, MAM took Hedwig out of her carry on. The smile on Tisetso’s face was simultaneously surprised and delighted. He grabbed Mr(s). Owl and didn't let go the rest of the day.

We decided to do an easy lunch of sandwiches to allow time for Roger and MAM to get a little rest in the afternoon. Unfortunately, the bread was moldy. Food with little to no preservatives (as they do here) means you have to eat food quickly. We had missed the window of opportunity for the sandwich bread.

After our weird lunch, Roger and MAM took a few minutes to unpack. Brian, Tisetso, and I were headed to the mall while they got a much-needed nap. At the mall, we rented a car cart for Tisetso, Roy, and Mr. Owl. They had a grand old time while we got our shopping taken care of. One store we stopped at was a mixture of craft store and stationery store. I was in heaven. We managed to find a ton of stickers (seems to be a tall order around here) and found a mask Tisetso could use for playing Batman. I saw a wall of pens, but having a seven year old in the cart who was eager to go or touch everything, we opted to go.

Tisetso appeasing his mom by taking this picture.

A WALL OF PENS!

At one point, Tisetso was making a ton of silly faces and I was sneaky enough to capture them with my camera. Not only was he silly, but he utilized the horn in the car (called "hooting" here) to alert people they were in his way and they should move. At one point, while walking behind Brian who was pushing the cart, I saw a women look lovingly at Tisetso (he is adorable). Then he honked at her and exclaimed, "You there! Get out of my way!" Her expression changed and she quickly sidestepped the cart.

After getting back to the flat and unpacking everything, we walked a couple of blocks to a restaurant called Ocean Basket. It’s basically like the South African Red Lobster, but we had been told it was a place we couldn’t miss. Unfortunately, they only had fish on the menu. Tisetso does not like fish, so his meal consisted of only chips (french fries) and a little rice. Our meals were good, but I’m not sure I’d label the restaurant a “don’t miss” in South Africa, especially if anyone in your family dislikes fish.

Beautiful sunset on our walk back.

The rocky beach in front of our building.

Walking back was pretty breezy. Thankfully, we didn’t blow away and I attempted to check out some of the tidal pools. I didn’t get very far as the tide had brought in a lot of seaweed and left it to bake in the sun for some time. The smell was less than pleasant. We also saw a dragonfly on the sidewalk. Grandpa Malcolm picked it up to take it to safety (a plant). Tisetso was intersted, but not interested enough to touch or hold it.

As with all nature, Tisetso was skeptical.

South Africa: Day 29, Strand and Khayelitsha

Wednesday, February 3

Our day started off even earlier than yesterday. We had to get up, dressed, showered and out the door by 7:15. At 7:15 (as we were leaving), Tisetso asked, “What’s for breakfast?” Oops! New parents coming through! After quickly cutting an apple and grabbing a granola bar, we were on the road! We had to meet a social worker from Wandisa (our adoption agency in South Africa) and another family (our friends, the Saarela family) at the offices. We were all going to drive together to the Department of Home Affairs. Our objective: get passports for our kids!

We had been told that one of the social workers went to the Home Affairs office to stand in line for us and that it could take all morning. I was expecting to have to stand in a line for most of the day. Thankfully, we were in an out in just under a couple of hours. 

We went to the Home Affairs that is a little more rural. It is on the outskirts of a huge informal settlement (massive town of shanty homes). It was encouraging to see that a really nice hospital and new mall were being built right there, too. That combination of poverty and nice options would not sit side by side in the States. We parked our car in the parking lot (sand and rock area where other cars were congregating) and trudged to the building. Thankfully, this was a different office than the place where the social worker has to wait in line for hours on your behalf. We were able to walk right in and sit in our spot in line. The line was about 50-70 people in front of us. Whenever the line moved, you’d get up and move a few spots, then sit back down in the corresponding chair.

While waiting in line, I decided it was worth bribing Tisetso to get him to wear his bowtie in his passport picture. I was willing to go up to R5, which is one large silver coin, (worth just over 25 cents) to make this adorable thing happen. After getting all the way up to the R5, Tisetso was unmoved. Improvising, I grabbed all of the cent pieces I had in my wallet, totaling R1.50 (5 coins total). I won! Tisetso wore his bowtie in his passport photo! I’ll be sure to add a picture when we get it.

At one point, while waiting, some dude randomly came up and pushed Tisetso out of his seat, then sat down in his spot. I almost momma bear’d that dude. (That’s a verb, right?) Luckily it took me by surprise and after a beat, I had Tisetso come sit with me. 

Another fun experience was the restrooms at this place. I excused myself and went to the ladies' room. After seeing two stalls were out of order, one with suspicious liquid all over the place, and two occupied, I decided to take my chances and wait for an occupied stall to open up. The first one open had a male security guard walk out. This took my by surprise. The next surprise? No toilet paper! Thankfully, I came prepared. I later found out that you are supposed to grab a pre-portioned wad of toilet paper before entering the bathrooms. My confusion was justified as the toilet paper was nowhere near the bathrooms and happened to see it much later upon leaving the building. I'm filing this one under fun adventures in Africa.

After the picture, we had to get our information input into the system. There was almost a big issue (miscommunication), but thankfully, the social worker was able to sort it out. After a little waiting and some copies made of our paperwork, we were done! It was pretty painless (Aside from being out R1.50). 

We were watching the flight info closely as Roger and Merry Ann got closer.

We headed back to our flat via Woolworths to get some groceries. After that, we did school (T played educational games on the iPad) and got ready to welcome grandma and grandpa Malcolm! Their flight arrives around 10:30 tonight. They will be staying in a hotel close to the airport and Brian will pick them up tomorrow morning at checkout time (hopefully after a full night's rest).

The windows on this side of the building need a good clean, but I wanted a picture of the clouds rolling over the mountains.

I love the sun setting behind the mountains.

South Africa: Day 28, Strand and Cape Town

Tuesday, February 2

New view from our new flat.

Today started super early. Too early, even. We hopped out of bed around 6:15 and began packing. We wanted to be out of the first flat by 8:30 (and could check into the new one at 2:00 p.m.). Because Brian had twisted his ankle the day before, he was unable to carry as much as usual. Thankfully, there were carts available in the parking area for use in just such situations. I was able to make two trips to the car before we took our luggage downstairs. The company we were renting our new flat through said we could store our luggage there while we waited to check into the new unit. 

While we were there, the receptionist came up to Tisetso and tickled him (with no warning) and rubbed his head. I was honestly taken aback because it all happened so quickly. Tisetso did not like it! He pulled away and walked quickly over to me. We noticed very early on that Tisetso does not like being touched by people, especially strangers. Getting him to be ok with hugs or holding hands with us is still an ongoing process. In this culture, children are seen as a blessing (and a slightly communal one) and everyone can just come up to them and touch them, rub their back, or talk to them. I think Tisetso will enjoy America where random strangers touching your kids is cause to call the police.

After running our refrigerated stuff to our lawyer’s office (they had some space in their fridge we could use), we headed to Cape Town. The ride in was uneventful (a little traffic), but parking ended up being the issue. We found the parking garage we needed to be in, but parking was scarce. After driving around for 15 minutes, a kind attendant on a bicycle had us follow him and showed us a spot. We gave him double the going tip rate for his help. We were very happy he helped us!

We got a little lost on our way to the immigration doctor’s office because the building was super confusing. Thankfully, we found it (after a kind stranger who worked in the building pointed us in the right direction). The office was packed. Brian and Tisetso waited in the hall while I worked quickly to fill out forms. While I was still filling out paperwork, they called Tisetso’s name. Brian took him back and, unbeknownst to me, they gave him a shot. Poor kid. We hadn’t prepared him for it and, inevitably, there were tears. After the sudden shot attack, they returned to the hall to wait for our appointment. 

Tisetso entertaining himself in the hallway.

The doctor was thorough and quite type A, just like us (well, I’m more type A- or B+, but you get the idea). She is the only doctor in South Africa who is medically allowed to clear people to enter the US through a visa. She spent most of her practice in London, but came back to South Africa where she is from. We were glad she does everything herself as we’ve experienced a lack of attention to detail in other matters. The visit at the doctor (including waiting for our appointment), lasted about 2.5 hours. We had been told it would take no more than a little over an hour. While we were in the meeting, Brian received three calls from the company we rented our flat through and they left voicemails saying it was urgent and to please call back. Brian called back, but the gal was out of the office at that time, so he left a voicemail.

We decided to grab a quick lunch at the V&A Waterfront before getting Tisetso’s x-rays. Thankfully, Tisetso decided he wanted a hot dog after we saw a fancy stand (this ticked the “quick” box of our lunch). While eating, he noticed a man in silver paint and clothes. He got excited. “A clown!” He told us he was going to steal the clown’s money to buy sweets for the kids at the care home. We told him we would buy the sweets and he didn’t/shouldn’t steal the money. (This kid.) After inhaling lunch, we stopped to watch the clown (human statue) for a minute. I gave Tisetso R5 (about 25 cents) to give to him. After tentatively approaching and putting R5 into the man’s box, the human statue popped into action. Tisetso did not like that much and it was time to go. Now.

We were able to find the second medical clinic for the x-rays without issue. While I was filling out paperwork, Brian got a call back from the rental place. Apparently they had double-booked the apartment we were set to move into that afternoon. An employee had apparently double booked the flat, then quit without telling anyone. Through Brian’s masterful negotiation, he got us into a bigger, nicer flat. And because they felt so badly (and had screwed up royally), they offered to help us move our luggage into the new flat. Double score!

This is how you transport a bunch of stuff from your car to your flat.

The x-rays went well and then we were quickly back on the road. We were able to pick up our refrigerated stuff and luggage without issue and finally got to our new flat around 5:30. The view is wonderful! One side faces the mountains (different mountains than the last flat) and the other side faces the bay. The only downsides are the crazy wind noise and the weird furniture. There is this weird huge brown cushion (like a permanently sculpted bean bag?) as part of the seating and a couch that is so low, you’re basically on the ground. Bonus: It has the BBC channels included in the cable TV package.

After getting our refrigerator and freezer stuff put away, we drove to a nearby pizza place. I couldn’t wrap my head around cooking dinner tonight. Thankfully Brian and Tisetso were on board. We bought a couple of pizzas and noted a giant, plastic ice cream cone just up the road for future reference.

With Tisetso tucked in bed, we unpacked and took a breather by checking out Top Gear on BBC.

Reading the Jesus Storybook Bible before bed.

We made it to the end of the day!

South Africa: Day 27, Strand

Monday, February 1

Sunset

We started the day off with breakfast and school. While planning what we were going to do on Wednesday (the cheetah park), we got a call from our lawyer’s office. They wanted to meet with us that afternoon at 2:00. Our first round of paperwork had been processed and had arrived. Apparently (I wasn’t on the email so I found this out later), our paperwork arrived later than expected because it had showed up a few days before…with two mistakes. They had misspelled our last name and someone forgot to sign a piece of the paperwork. Oops! After the errors had been pointed out, the paperwork was sent back to Pretoria, fixed, then shipped back to Strand. A lot of work for two errors!

The paperwork was filled out by the government reviewing our adoption. It reviews the process we went through, the training we completed, and makes sure the requirements leading up to Tisetso’s adoption were in line with the Hague Convention (a document written up and signed by many countries to ensure children are treated fairly and entrusted with the best possible care). We had to have this paperwork in hand to move forward with anything.

After not finding our lawyer’s office for a good while and driving around in circles (literally and figuratively) we arrived. It was great to meet all of the wonderful people who have been so diligently working on our case for so long. They were all excited to meet Tisetso, too! 

While there, we were able to learn more about the process that is coming up. Now that we’ve got Tisetso’s adoption papers back, we can apply for his passport. This is one of two final major things we have to do before we can leave. How quickly we get the passport determines how long we stay here. We will be doing Tisetso’s immigration medical and X-rays tomorrow and Friday in Cape Town. Wednesday is the big day for applying for his South African passport.

After being at the office for over two hours, we headed to the mall. Before we could meet up with our friends for dinner, we had to get Tisetso’s visa and medical photos (think passport quality—no smiling, small size, and general bleakness). Tisetso does not particularly like getting his picture taken. He usually sees it as a negotiation. He tried to get us to agree to one photo. Because we couldn’t promise that, we said we would take as few as possible. Thankfully, the woman only had to take two photos total. While we waiting for the pictures to print and be cut, we ran to a store across the way.

With photos in hand, we headed to a restaurant we’ve seen many times but always shuddered to notice: "Spur."

This place is so incredibly politically incorrect (Native American kitsch)  it made me uncomfortable at the thought to be there and give the company our money. BUT we were told we had to go. It was part of the South African experience. Thankfully, our new friends accompanied us, so we weren’t alone in our politically incorrect adventure.

We were told the best day to go was on a Monday. It’s buy one burger, get one free night. The place was packed and it seemed about half of the customers had a birthday. At Spur, they just pipe this catchy birthday jingle through the sound system instead of bringing all of the servers over to sing. It saves them time and energy, but means that, by the end of the night, you’ve heard the song nine times (I counted) and you can’t get the blasted song out of your head!

Another interesting aspect to this place is the massive kids play area. There were five employees specifically watching the kids and doing face painting. We only saw Tisetso and his friend, Julia, when food was at the table. Tisetso especially enjoyed the Xbox One with the motion bar. He was playing a rafting game when we went to fetch him.

The food was ok. The dessert was hot (I had chocolate mud slide cake). The company was great! We really are so thankful for Dan and Julie. Their heart to reach out to adopting families is absolutely wonderful. I think we get along so well because of our mutual love for hospitality. When our food had been consumed and I could handle the birthday jingle no more, we left. 

Back at the flat, we had to pack everything up. Our time at this flat ends tomorrow, but we’ll be in the same building, different floor tomorrow. Getting our stuff out and things stored while we go to the medical will be a feat of organization and timing. 

Caution! Politically incorrect photos following!

The "guacamole" that came with my meal...........

This was the stained glass in the middle of the restaurant. On the ceiling.

South Africa: Day 26, Strand

Sunday, January 31

Roy's recent surgery.

We had a great day today! Our day started with the beach and a braai with our friends Pete, Lexi, and their two girls. We met them at the beach around 10:30 and played there for an hour and a half. Tisetso and Brian had a fun time riding Chris the crocodile on the waves (well, Tisetso rode the waves on Chris and Brian helped). It was really, really great to watch. I love seeing their relationship grow and develop. 

Heading out to have some fun!

I was able to talk with Lexi quite a bit while the girls (and sporadically Tisetso) worked on a sand castle. It has been so nice to have friends here while we’re away from our family, friends, and church family. It really makes a huge difference!

Hard at work building sand castles.

Our lunch was cooked on the braai (grill) by Brian and Tisetso. We had chicken kabobs, steak, and boerewors (farmer's sausage). We also had some corn on the cob, pineapple, kiwi, nachos, and bread. It was quite the feast! My personal favorite was the boerewors. It’s super flavorful, unlike any sausage common in the U.S., and just hits the spot! Add the desert course of peanut butter chocolate chip cookies (baked by Tisetso the evening before) and we were stuffed!!

After our friends headed home, we spent just a little time picking up and washing dishes. With most of it taken care of, we headed off to church. The church we decided to visit is attended by our lawyer and social worker, as well as some other friends we've met here. It wasn’t until our arrival at the church when we realized how hot it was today! We have the breeze coming right off the water in the bay to our flat, which keeps things moderate even when it's 95°. Leaving that area increased the temperature significantly! And much like the rest of South Africa, there was no air conditioning in the building. For the whole time there, we were sweating away. I felt like I was melting!

Church was really enjoyable. We felt very welcomed by the people there and the pastor. They are used to having international families who are adopting from South Africa visit their church. It was interesting because here we noticed in a big way that Tisetso does not like to be touched by strangers. In this culture, kids are free reign for touching and hugging and tickling, etc. Tisetso is not a fan! He really pulled away from people when they would come up to him and start touching him. I think, especially in this regard, he’s going to like America and the personal space!

After a hot and sweaty church, we headed back to our flat and the cool sea breeze.

Today was the hardest day for me as far as homesickness. We've been gone well over a month (including our London trip), and I think today was a culmination of missing our home, missing our church, and missing our people. I am ready to go. I think the one thing keeping me here (other than legal paperwork needed to exit with Tisetso) is the fact we return to winter. I like having to put on sunscreen (or forgetting to put on sunscreen) in January. It's hard. This is a long time to be gone. So much has happened and I am longing for familiarity. I am thankful Roger and Merry Ann (Brian's parents) will be coming this week to visit and meet their grandson. I think it will help break this trip up.

The beach got more and more packed as the day went on! Many people had tents set up.

South Africa: Day 25, Strand

Saturday, January 30

Our low key day started with a big milestone—Tisetso’s first donuts! He had picked out a chocolate donut at the grocery store the day before. I’d say his first donut experience was not the best. He picked at the chocolate, tried one actual bite, then left and asked what was for breakfast. I’m sure once he’s tried donuts from Harner's, our local bakery, he’ll be hooked.

Donut enjoyment before it fell flat.

For the better part of the morning, Brian and Tisetso went to the mall to pick up a few things we needed for the next morning (beach towels and beach toys). I enjoyed a couple of hours to myself and folded laundry, picked up, and wrote. 

Lunch was a good time as Tisetso grilled our hotdogs. He had watched Brian grill (braai) the day before and was interested in helping. It was great to see the two of them working together to get the hotdogs cooked. Tisetso enjoyed being the "braai master."

In the afternoon we did a session of school, tried to convince Tisetso to go to the beach (especially as he had had so much fun the night before), and saw a film crew on the beach in front of our house.

We ended the evening by watching the first part of Up. It reminded me why I never watch that movie—I was crying within the first 10 minutes. Ridiculous.

South Africa: Day 24, Strand

Our morning started out pretty low-key. Tisetso played on his iPad while I finished up yesterday’s blog post. Brian booked a flat in the same building through the 13th of February. It’s kind of crazy to think we’ve been here 24 days. We’re about half way through our time here (hopefully). 

We needed to get more groceries, so we headed to a mall. Before we hit the grocery store, we stopped by a pharmacy which has the mystery Lego packets. Tisetso filled his school sticker sheet and earned a new Lego person. It ended up being a Native American woman with a baby. The baby was quickly tossed aside and forgotten. The Lego did come with a fun little poster of the other Lego people Tisetso can collect as he earns more stickers. 

After the store, we headed back to unpack our groceries. Brian said he had to take care of something and excused himself from the apartment for about 15 minutes. When he came back, he told me I had a manicure and pedicure appointment in a half an hour and a massage appointment the next afternoon. I’m not one for doing things like that a lot (I usually get a pedicure before we go to Florida), so this was a treat.

Downstairs in the salon, I sat for 2.5 hours talking with the gal doing my nails. As it happens, she is also a Christian! It was so nice to talk with her for so long. She was such an encouragement and a breath of fresh air. It also just made me miss my church family all the more! Freshly buffed and polished, my nails were done. 

I returned to the apartment to find Tisetso and Brian playing with Legos (surprise). Brian was building a ground vehicle for the astronaut and Tisetso was playing with all of the people. They had had a good time while I was away, which was a good thing! I joined them in playing for a bit before making myself a grilled cheese for lunch.

After Lego time, Tisetso set his head on the table. He hasn't done this before so I asked if he was ok. I asked if he was sad. He nodded his head. I asked if he missed his friends. He nodded. This was big because before he's attempted to cover up the fact that he was sad. I rubbed his back and told him it was ok to miss his friends, that I was sorry he felt sad, and that I missed my friends in America, too. I also told him to let us know if he felt sad again. We wanted to know so we could sit with him. When he had nodded his head, I offered to see if there was anything good on TV (always up in the air). Shrek happened to be on right then. This was a big deal because he has been asking to watch that movie for two weeks!

Watching Shrek beat up the bad guys.

Our afternoon and evening went by with Legos and Shrek. Brian and I wanted to take a walk on the beach after supper, so we had to drag Tisetso outside. Once we were there, it was clear that he was the one having 99% of the fun! At first, he didn’t want to put his feet in the water. Then, his feet got wet because of a massive wave. After that, he was “washing” his legs and shorts with the water. Then, it was full on laying down as the water came in. He was COVERED in sand, but had a good time. Brian was able to find a shower at the beach and rinsed him off before we walked back to our flat on the paved walkway.

Before he began throwing himself into the water.

Throwing rocks was a favorite on our walk.

As we were walking back, Tisetso started playing with his shadow. He would crouch low and hop up. I believe it’s from our recent viewing of Peter Pan. I definitely remember doing the same thing after watching the movie when I was a kid. It made me smile and love him more! 

Tisetso "driving" our elevator to the correct floor.

Back inside, we were careful to avoid getting sand everywhere, but I’m not sure how successful we were. After a shower, we finished up Peter Pan (for the second time this week), then tucked Tisetso in for the night. For the past few nights, I have laid in bed with my son until he falls asleep (per his request). I love this time because it shows a measure of trust. It shows he trusts me enough to keep him safe. 

I wrapped up last night with a call to my parents, watching the Top Gear A-Z special, and trying to get the dryer to work. It was a good day. It was one of the first without the silent treatment from Tisetso, which is something to rejoice about. We still had a couple of pouts and folded arms, but nothing major. Thank you, Lord!

South Africa: Day 23, Strand and Simon's Town

We had a wonderful day! This morning we took care of school right off the bat. Tisetso got his fourth school sticker, so he has earned a Lego person. We’re going to pick up his mystery Lego tomorrow when we pick up groceries. Brian had a meeting with an agent to look at a flat we are considering renting while his parents are here next week. It seemed like a good fit, but was a little smaller and much less modern than the one we are in now. Brian asked the agent if she had anything else that would work, just to weigh the options.

We packed up and shipped off at 10:15 this morning. We spent an hour in the car following the bay, then headed down the Cape Peninsula towards Simon’s Town. Our mission: to see penguins in the wild! Another fun aspect to our trip was meeting some new friends who are also in-country from the United States finalizing the adoption of their 5-year-old daughter. 

The ride down to Simon’s Town was beautiful! We passed so many mountains, beaches, and little tourist beach towns. There were easily a hundred surfers at one beach. I cannot describe to you how beautiful this area is. Thankfully, I took lots of pictures. Tisetso enjoyed little of this as he was finishing up Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone on his iPad.

Lunch was a great time! I met Lexi on Facebook through our adoption agency. She and her husband are adopting for the second time here in South Africa. Thankfully, we are in Cape Town at the same time! We met with this great family for lunch and for some time seeing the penguins. I was glad to finally meet Lexi face to face. We’ve talked for hours on the phone as we’ve walked through the waiting, planning, and meeting phases of our adoptions. I’ve not been one for making friends on the internet and then meeting them in foreign countries, but I’ve done it twice in the last few days. Thankfully, neither meeting ended in my murder. (Pessimist to the end, here!)

Our new friends.

Brian and Tisetso had a fun photo shoot while right when we got there. Tisestso does not like his picture being taken much, so him asking to have a picture taken is an opportunity to snag!

Look at these handsome guys! Tisetso wanted to dress up for the day. 

After a delicious lunch and meeting with our new friends, we walked down to the beach next door to the restaurant. It was especially great because the crowds were at the next beach over, where there is a walkway and you can’t get terribly close to the penguins. There were penguins right on this beach, so we were able to get as close as we dared and able to see them with significantly fewer people milling around. What a dream! Playing on a beach with penguins!

Livin' the dream!

This was the closest we could get him to the penguin.

Brian and his feathered friend.

When we were done, all of us headed back up towards the parking lot. There was a little market where we could buy some gifts for our families. The market was a new, overwhelming experience. You weren’t really allowed to browse and look at the different wares. Instead, people running the booth would come from all sides and start telling you what you needed, that they would give you a good price, and then hand your 7 year-old panpipes which he immediately puts into his mouth to make shrill whistling noises. After pulling the pipes from his lips and insisting you don’t need any of these items, you move to the next booth where the process begins anew, only this time it’s drums. It’s like these people aren’t part of a family where they would hate hearing all of these noises 24/7!

After buying some postcards, we walked back to the very first stand where there wasn’t a pushy salesman. We bought Tisetso a cool leather bracelet that says ‘South Africa’ and I bought a gift for my parents. I was able to do my first bargaining, which I found fun. After that, we said goodbye to Lexi, Pete, and their girls. Our ride back was uneventful, but beautiful. We even saw our apartment building from the other side of the bay, which was fun. Tisetso started his Harry Potter movie over again (this kid!). 

This was one of the more alarming signs I've seen during our stay.

Back at our flat, Brian discovered there was another rental agent on the ground floor in our building. He ran down there just before they closed for the day and was able to find another flat very similar to the one we’re in currently and in the same building (we really like this building, and that "move" will be pretty low-impact). After that, Brian wrapped up some work and Tisetso and I had a little heart to heart. 

One thing Tisetso has vocalized many times over is that he doesn’t believe I love him. He vocalizes this (usually) because I love Brian. In his mind, it’s impossible for me to love both of them. Unsure of any new arguments I could make, I asked him how people show they love each other (thinking I could then follow his own recipe). He said Christmas. Ugh. Well, seeing as we have 11 months before I can do that, I asked if there was anything else. Nope! Christmas. He asked what we did for Christmas. I told him we spent the day at Grandma and Grandpa Malcolm’s house with his cousins and auntie and uncle. 

Feeling prompted, I also shared that in the morning on Christmas Day, I walked into his room and missed him. I told him it was silly, I know, because we didn’t even know him at that moment. I told him how I prayed he would be happy and healthy. I told him how I wished with my whole heart that he had been with us on Christmas morning. At this point, I began to tear up, because I remember vividly the pain I felt of empty arms on Christmas morning. This took Tisetso off guard. He said (and this is a paraphrase), “What’s coming out of your eyes? Why are tears coming? Get Daddy Brian!” It was pretty funny. It made me thankful he is a part of our family forever! What an answer to prayer.

Sunset from the balcony, bay side.

View from our balcony, mountain side.

With the plans in place for next week at the new flat, we made dinner and wrapped up our evening with Tisetso in bed and us sitting on the balcony. The sunset was so beautiful. I love that we’re able to enjoy these sunsets one night after another. It is a luxury we don’t have back at home. Life seems so much busier there. Here, in our flat on the beach, it feels like our biggest “responsibility” is to become a family.

South Africa: Day 22, Strand and Cape Town

This morning was a fun time. Up at 6:30, we started our day by navigating stickers and Legos. Tisetso got a new sticker and coloring book, so he was set! This kid makes up so many stories that go along with his drawings. At one point he had a sticker with a guy and a dog sled surrounded by other stickers that looked to be in pursuit. He told me the dog sled guy had stolen the dogs and the other people were chasing him to get their dogs back.

One thing Brian and I have noticed along with his creativity is his limited vocabulary. At the home where he came from, all of his Aunties spoke English as their second language. They spoke it well, but I’ve noticed that Tisetso doesn’t have a vocabulary for when he likes or dislikes something. It’s either "nice" or "not nice" or "ugly." These terms are used broadly for anything. He doesn’t want toast? It’s "ugly." He would like another cookie? It’s "nice." You get the picture. So today, when he would use one of these phrases, I would ask, “Do you mean it tastes good?” or “Do dislike that color?” I hope it’s helpful and haven’t gotten any indication that Tisetso is tired of me for asking these questions.

After breakfast, we did a quick session of school. After playing an upper-case/lower-case matching game, I discovered that Tisetso doesn’t have all of his lower-case letters memorized. We will be working on that over the next few weeks. I’m sure he’ll love it!

After school, we headed to the Two Oceans Aquarium. If you know me well, you know I love aquariums! Our drive into Cape Town lasted about 45 minutes. Tisetso fell asleep on the way, which I think helped make our day more successful. On our way, we passed miles and miles of small shacks where people live. It was a hard thing to not be moved by this view. Scattered intermittently were toilet structures, which I’m guessing everyone shares. South Africa is a country of extremes. Not far from these shacks were beautiful sprawling homes with barbed wire around the perimeters. While driving in, the mountains were covered in clouds, but thankfully things cleared up when we arrived. 

Our view at lunch. V&A Waterfront and Table Mountain

Monument to those who helped overthrow the apartheid.

At lunch there was a seagull (who we named Steven) lurking in the shadows while we ate. It provided entertainment and terror for Tisetso (he does not like when nature gets too close). From our table, we had a beautiful view of the V&A Waterfront and Table Mountain. Brian had a meat skewer (crocodile, ostrich, warthog, springbok, and other assorted game sausage) and I had springbok filets. (Tisetso had his customary cheeseburger and chips with tomato sauce.)

Brian and his giant skewer of various meats.

Brian looking nervous about Steven.

With lunch taken care of, we walked to the aquarium. It turned out the be a great decision to go! I was able to pet some sea life, we watched penguins, sea turtles, and sting rays being fed, and Tisetso surrounded himself with clownfish. As with every other animal experience in this country, I could have pet anything that wasn’t in a tank (and even some of that were in tanks)! The penguins were contained two feet away by a tiny fence. 

I think he was pretending to shoot the clown fish at this point. Boys.

While inspecting their website for information this morning, I found something they offer called the "Penguin Experience." It’s where you pay $20 and you get to hang with the penguins (including holding and petting) for an hour and a half. I’ve convinced Brian this is something I need in my life and wil be signing up soon!

My best friends.

When we were spent from hanging with the fishes, we packed up and headed back. The rest of our evening involved Cars and Peter Pan, dinner, and Tisetso stalling at bedtime telling me he was waiting for Voldemort to show up! This kid! Our plan tomorrow is to go to Simon’s Town and visit Boulder Beach which has wild penguins! 

These two sharks came right up to Brian and lingered...

Sea kelp forest.

Huge barge being repaired.

Random pirate ship on the side of the road.

South Africa: Day 21, Strand

Brian's panoramic photo of the sunset, the skyline, and the mountains.

Today was a day of firsts for Tisetso and I. In the morning, I could tell doing school would not go well, so I offered to read him the illustrated version of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. He got very excited. His excitement was soon abated as he realized there weren’t photos on every page and that you couldn’t just skip around and read random sections. Surprisingly, we got through two chapters before he had had enough. I definitely choked up reading this passage to my son:

“Harry Potter rolled over inside his blankets without waking up. One small hand closed on the letter beside him and he slept on, not knowing he was special, not knowing he was famous…He couldn’t know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in hushed voices: ‘To Harry Potter—the boy who lived!’”

— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

After my moment and Tisetso getting annoyed, we headed to the mall. We had a huge list of things we needed and things we needed information about, so we went to the closest mall. While there, Tisetso got an Avengers water bottle and two washcloths (Star Wars and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). Very exciting and actually on the list (not specifically the branding, but the items themselves).

After the mall and a quick lunch back at the flat, we dove into our lesson. When I thought he was not wanting to do more, he said, “More school, please.” I obliged. He did a great job with his maths (as he calls it) and I was able to assess an area we can work on at a later date.

With maths out of the way, we got down to the real work—making chocolate chip cookies. For those of you that don’t know, my family is one for baking and cooking. I have a grandma I’ve called Grandma Cookie since I was little. I’ve learned baking from my grandmas and mom, and learned to love cooking as an adult. Baking with my son for the first was a big deal to me.

Our little baker.

Not unlike other bakers, you tend to memorize the recipes you use a lot. These cookies were no different. Thankfully, we were able to find all of the ingredients. I thought we were going to have an issue finding brown sugar, but we were able to find something very close to it, which ended up working. 

Mixing!

Watching the cookies (he calls them biscuits) bake. In a tie.

Tisetso loved helping with each step. The only thing I did was scoop and level the brown sugar (which was far more unruly and stick here than I was used to). He loved that he was able to watch the cookies baking. He kept saying he was Auntie Florence (the awesome cook at the care home). It was great. In the end, they did taste different than what I’m used to, but still delicious!

After cookies, we lounged around. Tisetso playing with his stickers and Legos. I used the time to catch up with some blog posts. Brian was able to get some work done. Dinner was a delicious pepper steak pie with veggies. Unfortunately, Tisetso didn’t want to eat—he just wanted to play with his food. Determined that he should eat something, we sat around for a while before he obliged and ate.

Our bedtime routine.

Our evening wrapped up with finishing up Peter Pan, Tisetso asking to go to bed early (we thought that would be ok), us getting to watch a gorgeous sunset on our balcony, and me getting to talk to my friend, Lexi, and my grandparents (separate calls).

Last night really was such a beautiful sunset!

South Africa: Day 20, Strand

We stuck around the apartment in this morning. We’ve been trying to establish a routine which will help Tisetso feel more settled here. Sometimes he thinks he’s in America already, which we tell him will be a much, much longer plane ride. 

We did our first day of school today. After only getting 2/3 of the lesson done, we stopped for the morning. Tisetso wasn’t a fan of doing school, but I think he’ll get used to it as time goes on. Our long term goal is to have him in public school. The South African school system operates on a different timeline than the American system. In South Africa, schools typically run from mid-January to late November. Grade R (our Kindergarten) focuses on play learning, basics such as numbers and alphabet, and simple math. Because American schools have already started, Tisetso, based on his age and completion of Kindergarten, would be placed in first grade, half way through the year. We don’t want him to start off struggling and behind, so for the next 7.5 months, we will be home schooling to catch him up. My hope is that he will be ready for second grade in August.

During lunch, Brian and I decided that we would do a rewards system for school. If Tisetso finishes a lesson, he gets a sticker for his reward sheet. After collecting four stickers, he gets to go to the store and pick out a mystery Lego packet (comes with a Lego minifigure inside). It’s fun because he loves playing with his Legos, and especially his Lego people. That was incentive enough to finish his first lesson!

After lunch and finishing school, we packed up and headed to a braai. A braai is the South African version of "grilling out" at someone’s house. There is a family here who graciously offered to have us over to their house for this staple event. I met Julie through the Bethany (our agency in the United States) South Africa adoption Facebook group. She and her husband, Dan (originally from South Africa), live just 15 minutes from our flat, up the side of the mountain!

Wait for it!

Boom! Steaks, chicken kabobs, boerewors (farmers' sausage).

It was a really nice break for us to have adults to talk with and Tisetso had fun as they have three kids (and toys new to him). He especially enjoyed playing with their Captain America and Spiderman figurines. Julie and Dan’s house has an indoor braai so we were able to talk and smell the delicious dinner cooking at the same time! We loved talking with them and look forward to grabbing another meal with them soon.

After dinner we got back to the flat, watched 15 minutes of Peter Pan, and tucked Tisetso in for the night (it took a while as he was a little crazy).

The clouds looked so cool on top of the mountains. It was as if they were pouring over the peaks. Also, the tall, white building with the pointy hat is the one where we're staying.

South Africa: Day 19, Strand

The view of the mountains from our balcony (the beach is visible to the other direction)

We woke up this morning nervous about Tisetso’s reaction to going to church. We were able to secure his approval and a little excitement by letting him wear his suit coat, button down shirt, and tie. We also brought bribes in the form of gummy bears and the iPad. 

We visited a local church that was only 15 minutes away. It was different than Redeemer Fellowship in many ways, but similar in others (reformed, confessional, missional), and we were glad to be there. We attended the family service and were thankful when the children’s sermon was on Adam and Eve (the story we had right the night before and several before that). Tisetso was taking it in and enjoyed hearing something he had heard recently. 

After church, we headed to Woolworth’s Food Market to get groceries. If you’re a human, you know that visiting a grocery store in the afternoon on Sunday is a great, quiet time to go. Ha! It was insane. It was hard to find what we needed because half of what we needed didn’t exist here and the other half was mixed in with things we didn’t know existed. Thankfully, the veggies and fruit were super easy to find! It took us about 45 minutes to find enough stuff to last us a couple of days (so we thought).

After church, we made lunch back at the flat and lounged around for a bit. At some point, we walked down the road to an ice cream shop across from the beach. It was a good little walk and a nice day for it.

We ended the day by watching Harry Potter (of course).

I found this hottie at the beach.

Our view in the evening

South Africa: Day 18, Centurion & Strand

We started today by finishing up our packing. Our flight to Cape Town took off at 1:45 p.m, so we had plenty of time to get ready. The real challenge was going to be fitting our three duffels, two carry on suitcases, three backpacks, and one kid into our car. Thankfully, after much maneuvering on Brian’s part, we were able to get everything to fit.

Our ride to the airport was uneventful, thankfully. We were able to turn in our car with little hassle and got to the airport. We had our bags wrapped with a plastic akin to saran wrap to make sure they wouldn’t be messed with. It was entertaining to watch and helpful. We checked into our flight. Because our luggage is earmarked for international travel and not the domestic flight we took, I was worried we would have to pay a lot to get our luggage on the plane. Thankfully, Mango does weight a little differently. We were allotted 60kg (20kg for each bag), but our bags weighed around 75kg total, with each bag being slightly over. Instead of having to pay a fee for each bag, we paid only for the 15kg we were over. 

At security, they confiscated my needlenose pliers (which I use for cross stitch). I went through the TSA and British security with no incident, and the South African airport even allows liquids! We sat around for a little bit before grabbing a quick lunch at a cafe, getting through security about two hours before our flight boarded. That was a nice time buffer to have. Thankfully, traveling with Tisetso was relatively uneventful. Aside from him not wanting to move quickly when we needed him to (to and from the bathroom just before the flight), we were alright.

Tisetso loved looking out the window when we were getting ready to land.

This was Tisetso’s third time being on a plane. Thanks to Mommy Tahiyya, who takes her kids on holiday, he had been to Cape Town before! The other thing that made the trip easy was our big gift to him. He got his very own iPad. He was excited to check out the Harry Potter Lego app, but sadly, I think he’ll need a year or two before being able to do that one. He watched Batman, Ben Ten, and Jake and the Neverland Pirates on the plane.  

Getting some tips from Brian.

It was cool to see the different terrains of South Africa. Our flight only took an hour and 45 minutes, but we still covered a lot of land. Tisetso helped us land safely by pressing the right buttons (his table switch). Phew! The landscape was very different than what we had left behind. Now, instead of large rolling hills, there were huge mountains by the ocean. This is my happy place!

Tisetso takes on Cape Town!

After having to navigate our luggage carts down a tunnel and then back up the other side, I was ready for air conditioning! We picked up our car and were ready to go! The only issue Brian ran into was the turning signal was on the wrong side of the wheel. Every time he went to turn, he accidentally hit the windshield wipers. He'll probably have it figured out just in time to leave.

We made it safely to the flat that we are renting for the first 9 days we are here. It’s in Strand (on Strand Beach), which is just east of Cape Town. The flat is perfect! There’s a room for Tisetso, for us, and even an office for Brian. We have our windows open all of the time. There’s always a breeze and the sound of the waves and the smell of the salt water! I absolutely love this flat.

The gorgeous view from our balcony

We went to a restaurant on the floor level of the building for dinner. There are a few cafes and shops there as well. We enjoyed a great view of the beach activity and had a breather after a full day. Tomorrow is Sunday and church. It’ll be interesting to see how Tisetso responds this week.

South Africa: Day 17, Centurion

In the morning, we went to the coffee shop with Brian. I didn’t bring anything with me because Tisetso said he wanted to do school. What he really meant was he didn’t want to do school and wanted to color. Thus I sat around for two hours entertaining myself with CandyCrush. (Insert eye roll here.)

I love how he uses stickers to add to every picture he colors. He's super creative.

Using his Lacing Lion's mane to give himself a beard.

After attempting to do school (getting him to write anything), we headed to Tisetso’s old primary school. Tahiyya had secured a meeting time with Tisetso’s teacher from last year (Grade R / Kindergarten), "Teacher Emmylou". When we arrived, it was a sea of cars, children, and waiting parents. Tisetso showed us the way to his classroom. Because Emmylou was still dismissing the children, Tisetso played on the playground with some of his school friends and Brian and I talked with Tahiyya. When all of the kids had been released, save for one boy who’s dad was running late, we pulled up some chairs and talked for a good while about Tisetso and his time in Emmylou’s classroom. (Tisetso played outside with the boy, who happened to be in his class last year.)

One thing that has been overwhelmingly clear from the beginning is that God has placed people in Tisetso’s life over and over again who have fought for him. Teacher Emmylou was no exception. There was a woman who came to the school to offer occupational therapy for kids and Tisetso was assessed by her. She told Teacher Emmylou Tisetso would never advance past where he was at that time. She didn’t believe he would ever be able to write or grow developmentally. Teacher Emmylou told her she was wrong and believed he would meet the expectations put before him. Over the course of the year, Tisetso was able to write, color, and do anything else another kindergartner should be able to do. That woman was proved wrong because of the determination and persistence of Teacher Emmylou.

One thing you have to know about Tisetso is that he doesn’t give his trust easily. Brian and I are working every day to gain his trust. Teacher Emmylou had to do the same thing, she just had less time in which to gain that trust. Her love for her students was very evident as she spoke about her job and working with Tisetso to help him. We are so thankful for her and the way she worked hard to help Tisetso learn.

When we were done talking with Emmylou, we headed outside to find Tisetso and his friend using wheelbarrows to transport dirt from one side of the playground to the other. Before we left, we snapped a quick picture with Tisetso, his friend, their wheelbarrows, and Teacher Emmylou. 

Teacher Emmylou

In need of lunch, we stopped at KFC on our way to a bird garden. While I was waiting for Tisetso and Brian to bring the food over, a women who worked at KFC asked me if Tisetso was my son. When I told her yes, she asked if he was adopted. She then told me how fortunate he was. I was curious why she said that, so I asked. She said that there are few opportunities in South Africa and she knew there were more in America. She told me she has a son with disabilities and she was not hopeful for his future. Moments like this are hard. On the one hand, I hope Tisetso does have a brighter future because of this adoption. On the other hand, he is losing a lot—particularly his culture. We will work hard to make sure he understands and remembers as much as possible, but there is a loss.

When we arrived at the bird gardens, we had no idea what to expect. It was incredible! We enjoyed every minute (well, Brian and I). Tisetso had other feelings of skepticism concerning the thickness of the glass, structural integrity of the cages, roaming birds, and whether the birds and animals could get to him. This place was so opposite of America. I could have pet a lemur if I wanted to (and probably lost a finger in the process). There was one enclosure you could walk through and see some birds flying around from tree to tree. When we were walking around the enclosure, we heard this terrifying noise. It sounded like a mixture of growling, screaming, and laughing. It ended up being this very aggressive looking monkey hopping around within the enclosure people were walking in. I was convinced we were going to see people get their faces ripped off. Brian began filming for evidence. We later found a door to this enclosure in which the warning that there were “roaming lemurs” inside. No joke!

I got to feed birds!

Waving to the meerkats.

I loved this place. My nature ADD was off the chart here. I would really like to go again when we head back to Johannesburg for our embassy interview. At the end, we had about 30 minutes before closing. We found a little cafe with an awesome playground for Tisetso to play on. The whole experience cost around $5 and was totally worth it!

Tisetso did not like that the bird was BEHIND him. I told him I would not let the bird get him.

I was finally able to get this picture, but he's still unsure of the whole situation.

I enjoyed Tisetso sharing with me what a Hadeeda was (a larger bird that sounds like a shrieking child). I’ve been woken up by these blasted birds just about every morning in the guest house. It’s always fun when Tisetso shares with us something that is foreign to us, but common for him. It is one of the reasons we chose South Africa when we decided to adopt—we wanted to experience our child’s culture with him.

After a fun day, we headed back to the guest house. No day was complete without watching Harry Potter, which we did for the fifth time!

Riding the knight like Ron in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

South Africa: Day 16, Centurion and Atteridgeville

Us, our handsome boy, and Roy.

We are now a family of three! This morning went so quickly. It hardly felt like the culmination of the work for a little over two years, but it was! We got to the court and waited for about 30 minutes (we were there early). At a little past 10:00, the presiding officer ushered us into her office. We sat at a round table: the social workers, Mommy Tahiyya (Tisetso’s favorite caregiver and foster mother for the past several years), our lawyer, the court clerks, and us. 

While waiting for the court to start, Tisetso did some practicing.

Some paperwork was signed and the office asked us questions along the lines of “Would you like to proceed with the adoption?” and “Have you tried a local worm dish?” You know, the usual. Then out of no where, she started reading the ruling that our adoption was finalized. Tisetso was now Tisetso Malcolm, with all of the rights that come with that. He now had approval to leave the Republic of South Africa to travel to the United States of America with his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Malcolm.

It was at this point that I grabbed Brian’s hand and had to hold back tears. Mommy Tahiyya (as she will forever be known as in our family) and Brian and I had a moment of mutual thanksgiving. A boy we love very much was no longer a kid in the child welfare system. He was Tisetso Malcolm.

First Malcolm family picture with the three of us.

Mommy Tahiyya (center) has been instrumental in raising our son. She is an incredible woman who loves the many children in her care.

After court was a whirlwind of photos and information. We found out our case was the first international adoption in the Atteridgeville court! Tisetso had enough of the photos around three, but it just kept going. When we finally managed to sneak away, we loaded back into the car and headed to our guest house. Tisetso wanted pizza for lunch. Seeing an opportunity, I asked Brian to take Tisetso for an outing to get pizza (Tisetso’s choice for his special day lunch). Alone time for the first time since before London. My heart felt refreshed! Unfortunately for Brian, the first two places he stopped didn’t work out and he had to try a third place! (It was fine by me as I got an hour of quiet.)

Rose (left) and Brad (right) who have helped our case along here in South Africa. They will be working on our case for the next year to year and a half!

After a lunch of pizza, Brian and Tisetso swam in the pool. I “helped” by staying out of the freezing water and keeping the super sweet dog away from Tisetso. When Tisetso was tired of swimming, we did a quick shower and headed out to his party. We stopped quickly for gas and to pick up ice cream, then were back on the road.

The care home where Tisetso has spent the past six years was in full swing. The kids were excited about their bubbles and made quick work of using up all of the solution (some by blowing bubbles, others by dumping it onto the ground and/or drinking some). After bubbles, Tisetso brought the two garbage bags of balloons I had blown up out to the backyard. Chaos ensued. Some balloons were played with and some were promptly popped. After balloons, Brian and I snuck away to buy too many pizzas. Tisetso can eat three slices, no problem, so I counted for each kid to eat at least two pieces, maybe three. We still had eight pizzas left over when the kids were done! We also brought cream soda (Tisetso’s favorite) and ice cream. The kids were properly sugared up! 

Tisetso spent a little time with his friends after dinner, but after a while he was ready to go. He didn’t want to say goodbye to anyone, but we asked him to say goodbye to one of the "Aunties" who has been there with him from the beginning. We will spend a month in Cape Town before returning to the Johannesburg / Pretoria area. We plan on going back to the care home to have a final goodbye, but this one felt final in a way. Tisetso will never sleep in that home again. He will not play with all of the brothers and sisters he has grown up with for the next month. As much as he can, I see him processing this information and my heart breaks for him. Yes, adoption is good, but it’s also painful. This is the painful part.

Please pray for our little family. We want to grow to love each other more and to serve each other well. We want to be the best parents for Tisetso possible. We want to lead our son in truth and love. Today was a big day for our family, and we are excited for what the future holds.

South Africa: Day 15, Centurion

Today was the hardest day. We started off the day with T not speaking to us for an hour. After he finally talked, I excused myself and had a cry in the bathroom. Adoption is hard work—emotionally and physically. It is good, but hard. The morning left me feeling spent the rest of the day, which was hard to push through.

We spent the rest of the day taking it easy. Our lawyer here in South Africa (Brad) and social worker (Rose) met us at the guest house for lunch. They walked us through what we could expect and logistics of what the rest of our time in South Africa would look like. It was good to finally meet with them. We’ve talked with Rose quite a bit leading up to this and knew Brad was working hard on our case. Their passion to care for children was evident from the beginning. They loved on T and he ate every minute of it up. Brad even taught T how to play rock, paper, scissors.

We finally got T to pet the dog! We had to bribe him R2 (10 cents).

After they left, we headed to a giant mall as we had a big list of things to get for court (a button-down shirt for Brian) and supplies for T’s celebration party tomorrow evening. We ended up eating dinner at the mall and heading home a few hours later.

When we got back, we settled in, watched some Batman, and hit the hay! As I watched T sleeping in the weirdest position ever, I decided I would go through today again, because it meant we were a family. Family is messy, no matter how it is created. Today was hard and there will be other hard days. But even in the midst of those days, there are moments of love and joy that make working through the difficult days worth every minute.

Laying across the bed with his legs off the side, while holding onto his pillow for safety.

It is a big day tomorrow. Court is at 10:00 am and should take around an hour (if all goes well). We hope it goes smoothly and come out as a family of three at the end!

South Africa: Day 14, Centurion

Today was sometimes good and sometimes rough. It included many awesome T smiles (they light up the room) and four, for lack of a better word, shut downs. The shut downs are when T refuses to talk with us or look at us or acknowledge our existence. They are stressful, difficult, and frustrating.

When we got up, we presented T with three options. We could go to the lion park, the elephant park, or the Cradle of Humankind (caves, fossils, etc.). He didn’t want any. After about 20 minutes of talking with him, he chose the caves. Right after that he shut down. We spent the next bit trying to get him to talk with us again. After he opened back up, we packed him up for the day and headed to a local coffee shop.

When we pulled up, T didn’t want to go to the coffee shop. Brian offered to run in and get his coffee, then we could leave. Then T wanted to go in. (We see this a lot. He changes his mind every five seconds.) Inside, T and I ordered a hot chocolate (T wanted his with some coffee) and Brian got an Americano. We all pulled up to the bar and got to working. Brian had actual work to do, while T and I colored (I was forced to draw animals, God help us) and T applied stickers and drew background scenes. T’s hot chocolate showed up with a dog drawn into the foam! It was really cool and he seemed to enjoy it. After we were done at the coffee shop, we packed up and headed to the Cradle of Humankind. We were a little vague with T as we didn’t want him to shut down again. 

I was forced to draw animals. T would embellish.

It was so nice to get out of the city and into the countryside. Our drive was about an hour total, so we saw a lot of really neat things along the way and a bit more to the other side of South Africa. During our drive we drove by two towns comprised completely of shanties. These homes were made of metal sides and maybe a metal roof, otherwise a tarp roof. Each one was no more than 6’x6’. When we drove past again at night, there were few lights as the homes do not have electricity.

These huts were as far as the eye could see!

After passing those towns, we were stopped by a traffic officer who was on the side of the road waving cars over for random checks. It was an unwelcome stop as we didn’t know what awaited. The officer started by asking for Brian’s license. Brian handed over his international driver’s permit and his Illinois driver’s license. Then the cop asked Brian who T was and why he was with us. After explaining we were adopting him and it would be finalized Thursday, the cop told us he would have to fine us 1,000 Rand ($50) for not having some sort of government document for driving. We had been told we only needed a valid US license (and that the international permit was just a bonus). He insisted we had to get this document from an office in Pretoria and he would have to fine us. When Brian said that would be okay and to please give us the bill and that we would mail in the payment, the cop changed his tune and said he would let us off today. He then asked us for water (we had none for him) and let us go on our way. 

We called our social worker in Cape Town and asked about this special document he said we needed. She said he was a crooked cop and he must have been hoping to pocket the R1,000. Thankfully, Brian responded correctly by asking for the ticket.

After that fun, we headed to the Cradle of Humankind. It is a worldwide heritage site, so we wanted to check it out. We bought the tickets and headed inside. After a quick lunch with a gorgeous view, we started the tour of the museum. It started with a boat ride. Unfortunately, it was the scariest boat ride I had ever been on and T agreed. By the second turn, T was crying and frantically clinging to Brian. I wanted the blasted ride to end, too, but now I’m a parent and I’m not allowed to cry and cling to Brian. At the end of the ride, my heart was pounding. The guy at the ticket counter said we would be in the museum for about an hour. For the Malcolm family, it ended up being about 20 minutes (10 for the terrifying boat ride, 5 for running through the museum, and 5 for a bathroom stop). 

At least when they dump you miles from your car you have a nice view.

After trekking back to our car (because the museum goes straight back and dumps you miles from your car), we stopped just before getting in to ask about a huge, white mountain you could see in the distance. The car attendant told us it wasn’t a mountain, but the leftovers of a gold mine that stopped ten years ago. 

Old gold mine.

Our ride back to the guest house was less eventful, thankfully. We got back and T rode around on his crocodile in the pool with me while Brian sat in the dining room and was able to watch us and talk with us while working. After an hour or so of swimming and down time, we packed up and headed to Carnivore.

When Brian and I had to get our vaccines for this trip, we had to include typhoid because we are “adventurous eaters” (a qualifier for the CDC to get that vaccine). Carnivore is akin to a Brazilian steak house, but instead of salted beef, they bring around exotic (to us) meats. We ate impala, blesbok, crocodile, and kudu. My personal favorites were the springbok samosas and zebra. I could have done without the crocodile.

Our ride back was later than we’ve gone before. I was a little terrified, but Brian got us back safely. It was actually neat to see Johannesburg in lights. After a huge meal, we all slept well.

South Africa: Day 13, Centurion

We started the day off with breakfast at our guest house (bed and breakfast). Brian had to get some work done, so he headed off to a coffee shop for the morning. T and I played with Legos (I mainly built prisons for criminals using our Magnatiles and broke them out for entertainment). We walked around the house and counted lizards, snails, and caterpillars and found a massive ant colony under a garden gnome. After we had expended all the yard had to offer, we spent about an hour throwing the inflatable crocodile around and then slashing it to move to the other side of the pool. It was a pretty great morning.

Throwing the crocodile.

Waiting for the crocodile to float back.

I'm stuffing this dog into my carry-on as my souvenir.

After the fun had been squeezed out of the crocodile throwing, we headed back to our room. Brian was on his way back and T did not want to do anything but watch a show. I didn’t see any harm in that as we had not watched TV all day. When Brian got home and told T we were going to a place for lunch, T shut down. As we deduced later, we think the shut down was in part because he didn’t get to pick the restaurant and also because he didn’t get to finish the show. If our theory is correct or not, it didn’t change the result. We were talking to a child who wouldn’t listen. We eventually got him outside (after I carried him as far as I could without him squirming out of my arms) and into the car. Once in the car, we implored him to tell us what was wrong (we had done this many times up to this point). He said he didn’t want to go and he wanted to stay at the guest house, eat lunch, and watch TV. We were so relieved to actually get anything out of him that Brian went and picked up McDonald’s and brought it back to the guest house.

I cannot tell you how hard these episodes are. It’s hard because typical parenting doesn’t work. We can’t just send him to his room or tell him if he doesn’t talk, we’re going to do what we wanted (go to a cool place and eat delicious food, not cold McDonald’s). My first response is to tell him if he doesn’t talk to us and answer our questions, then we cannot do what he wants and that’s just going to have to be ok. It seems a reasonable response, but it doesn’t work when you’re trying to build attachment. You have to gain the trust and get that communication open again. You have to keep asking questions, even and especially when you get no response. You have to keep telling your child you love them and want to know what they want. This process is heartbreaking and hard. It’s tiring and frustrating. 

Our afternoon was low key after that point. T wanted to swim a little while later and I obliged and jumped into the freezing water to tow T around on the crocodile. After getting out, changing, and warming up, T announced he wanted to go to the place Brian had suggested for supper (the place that produced the meltdown at lunch). 

The creepy gnomes T keeps insisting we move. There are always ants under one of them.

Montecasino is huge. It definitely draws inspiration for the Bellagio insomuch as it has indoor areas to walk that look like a small Italian village and shops. It has a cinema, comedy club, tons of restaurants, a bird sanctuary, and, of course, a casino. We ended up eating at a place called The Meat Co. Brian had a stuffed fillet and I had a lamb shank. After dinner we walked around for a little bit, but were being mindful that it was time to head back as it was getting dark.

While driving home, we saw an overturned truck and there were many, many people bending over and lifting. I thought the truck had overturned and there were people injured. There were so many cars that had pulled over to the side of the road to help, even people rushing down a hill from the bridge above. It was truly amazing to see people pull together to save…beer. A beer truck had overturned. The people bravely putting their lives at risk on the side of the highway were grabbing as much beer as they could carry. Taxis (12 passenger crazy vans which are above all law) were pulled over with people leaping out to grab cans and bottles. The police were there, but simply to make sure no one was injured while looting. It was a good laugh for Brian and I as we headed home. I was sad not to have snapped a picture while we were driving by!

South Africa: Day 12, Centurion

T playing with an accordion thingy. He keeps shoving Lego people into it and they keep getting stuck. My life now includes rescuing stuck Lego people. And yes, that's a Lego port-o-let in the top left corner.

Attachment is such a tricky thing. If you’re born into a family, you’re biologically predisposed to be attached to your mother. When, for whatever reason, that attachment is broken, it’s hard to build back. Thankfully, T has a great relationship with one of his caregivers. He (and the others at the care home) has called her "mommy" all his life and she has done all she can to make sure that life has been good. The care and trust in that relationship has helped rebuild T's ability to attach (bond) with us.

Because Brian and I are walking into this relationship and starting new with T, we are working hard to create that bonding and attachment that don’t come easily. In attachment, it’s all about saying "yes" as much as possible. Can your child get a suit coat and bow tie? Yes. Can your child pick the restaurant for every meal? Yes. Can your kid eat pretty much whatever they want within reason? Yes. Can you kid watch Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone four nights in a row? Yes. (To be fair, I’m definitely down with that last one.) It helps the child feel like they have some control in a world that is dramatically changing around them. It helps them to see that we care for and love them and are willing to go to great lengths for them to trust us.

T's new threads.

Today was the first big test of the attachment that Brian and I have been working so hard to build. In our preparation for breakfast and for the day, we told T we were going to church, then lunch (he can pick the restaurant), then swimming in the pool, then dinner (once again, he can pick the restaurant). He started freaking out that church was a bad, scary place and he didn’t want to go. We told him that our family goes every week and that we could talk about it after breakfast. We wanted to give him some time to think about it.

When the time came to leave, he started acting out in ways unusual for him. He took apart several of his Lego cars while staring off into the distance, would not hold our hands, and would not make eye contact. The last two meant we were pushing our relationship and his ability to trust us into new territory. We sat down on his level and told him we would never do anything to hurt him and that he could trust us. We wanted him to trust us with this. We told him that if, once we were there, he felt uncomfortable or wanted to leave at any time, we would. After talking to him (that’s what it felt like) for about 20 minutes and hugging him and reassuring him that he would be ok, we picked him up (he would not walk with us) and carried him to the car.

The whole car ride was suspenseful. He (thankfully) was still communicating with us through nods and shakes of his head, but it was little more than that. I gave him a box of TicTacs to hold on to and eat as he wished. When we pulled up to the church, he flat out refused to go. Brian took him out of his booster seat and he tried to get back in. Brian reminded him that we wanted him to try to go and that if after he tried, but still wanted to leave, we would. 

Walking up to the church was like walking with a zombie. It was all we could do to get him to walk. Thankfully, even though we arrived late, they had three seats together on the end of an aisle (this was unusual as the church apparently had 50 people sitting in the overflow later on due to lack of seats). T automatically sat down (even though everyone else was standing) and just stared. We offered him a sweatshirt (because this church makes the North Pole seem warm), crayons and paper, a fidget toy, gum, water, snacks, etc. He didn’t want anything. After about 15 minutes of him staring, you could see him start to look around and observe what was going on. He eventually accepted the sweatshirt and gum, and even his posture was a little more relaxed. About an hour later (still just listening and not playing), he leaned over and said he wanted to go, so we did. Although doing so in the middle of the sermon was a little awkward, we wanted to keep our word.

Later, in a mall (duh!), we thanked him for trusting us that he wouldn’t be hurt. We asked him what he thought. He said it was nice and he liked the singing. He wanted to go back tomorrow. We told him we only go on Sundays, but that we could try it again next Sunday. At this point, my heart felt 10,000 times lighter. He didn’t hate us. Our attachment wasn’t starting back at square one! 

While in the mall, we broke down and bought T a suit coat, dress shirt, bow tie, and neck tie. This kid. He has been asking every single day we were out for a tie. Doesn’t he know we only wear t-shirts and jeans? He’ll learn! But he’s going to look snazzy for our court date, that’s for sure!

The bow tie has robots on it. ROBOTS!

We spent the afternoon lounging around, watching Jake and the Neverland Pirates, and swimming. I got to pet an awesome bulldog a ton (she’s the guard dog for the guest house). I’m pretty sure that any criminal could gain easy access by petting her belly, which she presents instantly upon seeing any human.

My new best friend.

Riding on his crocodile (his choice over a shark, dolphin, or sting ray floatie).

Tonight was wrapped up by another requested video chat session with the Oneal family and finishing up the second half of Harry Potter (with all of the scary bits skipped, which ends up to be a lot in that portion, apparently). He’s now strewn across his bed (I don’t know how he sleeps in the twisted, bent ways he does) and fast asleep.

Brian and I are so thankful T trusted us the way he did. We know this is not usual. We know this is the answer to so many people praying for us and encouraging us. Today could have gone in a completely different direction. It could have been bad—really bad—but it wasn’t. It ended up being good—really good. My heart is so full right now. What a good and faithful God we serve.

South Africa: Day 11, Centurion

New watch, new headphones and playing with Legos. Living the dream.

Today was filled with ups and downs. It started early like yesterday, not because of T, but because our air conditioner unit was leaking onto our carpet. I woke up to sodden thumps on the carpet. After cleaning up a watery mess, we went back to sleep. T has always been an early riser (or so his file claimed). Today, he slept until 7:45 when we woke him up for breakfast (which they were serving at 8). He still seemed reluctant to get up, but was finally persuaded with the promise of fruit and corn flakes.

It was one of the colder days (high of around 75°F), so the pool was not an option today. Our morning was spent working on Legos and building a new set Brian had bought last week. I built a porta-potty. This is my life now. Building toilets. I love it! We colored and spent some time reading books. We also gave T his headphones (which go to his iPad, but he doesn’t know that yet). He enjoyed decorating them (they came with stickers) and listening to music on Brian’s phone.

Around lunch, T announced he wanted to go to the care home for lunch and dinner today. Needing to know if we should pack his clothes and toiletries, we asked if he wanted to sleepover with us. He said yes. Or did he want to sleepover at the care home. He said yes. We brought the clothes just in case. 

It was hard realizing he might want to spend the night at the care home. I totally understood why—he’s missing his family (all of the other kids there and his caregivers) and his home. But for some reason, I felt we hadn’t done enough that morning to make him want to stay with us. Brian reminded me that he was obviously confused (hence the yes to sleeping over at both places) and that we were still the new ones, the unknown. It’s hard seeing him torn between his old life (which is still fresh on his mind and heart) and his new life (with us crazies as his mom and dad). 

When we arrived at the home, it was close to lunch. When the kids sat down, they began handing out chicken burgers. I tell you—this kid knows when a burger is within a 5-mile radius. He only ever orders burgers and pizzas. We’re working on getting him to eat a wider variety, but he’s pretty stubborn about his burgers.

After lunch, Brian and I did what we’ve been avoiding for years—we watched Frozen. Avoiding it for that long and finally being cornered into it in an orphanage in South Africa was ridiculous. It ended up being a good time as this is the first movie I’ve heard those kids talk/sing during. I decided to join in on the singing portion as one cannot help but know lyrics to the songs when you’ve got nieces and nephews obsessed with the movie.

T’s favorite caregiver had been told about his confusion and she decided to talk with him. She told him that from this point forward, he would stay with us. If he was really missing the home, we could call her and she would come visit us at the guest house (I really do love this woman). He ended up being ok with that decision, so she then called in the other 10 school age kids (many of whom have grown up with T) and talked with them about this transition. She asked if there were any questions. After the ensuing dialog occurred (mainly one kid saying he was bored and the kid who loves food asking what was in the donut box), T said goodbye to his friends. He will see them again on Thursday after court, but it felt heavy to me.

After a dinner at KFC (T’s choice), we did a video call with my sister and her family. It was a smashing hit! They had their kids show T their toys and ask him simple questions (favorite color, animal, etc). He liked talking with them so much that an encore Skype session was requested/demanded. With the call completed, we watched the first half of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone again. (Another step in motherhood—watching the same movie a million times.) He’s now fast asleep and I’m about to crash, too. Tomorrow will be our first full day without going to the care home.